We Play The Hand We Deal to Our Selves

Life is not about what you know. It is really about how you experience the ups and downs of your journey and the bumps, boulders, barriers and fender benders along the way.

We all have such a long way to go and I recognise that it is all about choice - those we make every day - even the seemingly mundane one.

There is no bad decision. We deal the cards - yes, we do - and we play the hand we dealt to our selves. We are the only ones here people. This is a classic case of our right hand (open, honest, bright) not knowing what our left hand (our sub-conscious) is doing.

When we say "I don't have a choice" as I have so many times during the past months, that in itself is a choice. I have been asked when I complained "why don't you leave" and I hesitated because I dislike others knowing my business.

I usually responded by saying I did not want to live with my brother nor did I want to experience New York winters again. And that was and still is accurate.

The fact is I am broke, bankrupt which is why I had to return to the country and ended up living in a hostel for socially displaced persons. I am presently homeless but you cannot tell by looking at me which is good so my excuses were really to maintain the illusion.

All that sounds great doesn't it but the truth is even simpler. I did not feel confident in my abilities at the age of fifty-one, despite my incredible resume, to face the new job market in a new country (my own by birth). I felt completely lost.

A stunning vision appeared during one of my meditation sessions. I looked back and saw a magnificent and incredibly long bridge, very modern which crossed many gorges and chasms going through lots of rough terrain, through mountains and so on and I understood immediately that that it was symbolic of my journey up to the point.

I felt so grateful at having achieved something significant on this part of my soul journey which was harrowing and extremely painful. My feeling of maturity is palpable.

I love who I am today, right now because of my experience over the past two years! I am more focussed on the present, much less doubtful, full of love for myself, gladly open and vulnerable because I know nothing can harm me.

Despite the hand I dealt myself with the crippling doubts and refusing to face the fears which materialised because that is what I was living in my head, I would not change one damn thing.

I am love, confident, resourceful, assertive and unstoppabe; a beacon called to share my light and talents with the world, and to be real, generous and inspiring, and that is exactly what I intend to continue doing through whatever comes next!