Adopt An Attitude of Tolerance

Image by (UB) Sean R

This relationship business is a touchy-feely business and most of us would prefer to have a hands-off affair with it. Isn't that so? 

Whether it's between lovers, business partners, friends, and the (dreaded) family where so much of the button-pushing takes place, communication though essential oft goes awry.

We tend to go the easy route of "I talk and you listen" not that it doesn't have its place but communicating is so much more and it requires an attitude of tolerance and allowing.

Communicating is about sharing what you feel from a non-judgemental point of view and bringing the other person along with you. 

It's a win-win situation all round. It might not start off exactly the way you might wish but it's your call. That communication ball is always in your court.

There is nothing wrong in compromising either because it is not always about being right and wrong. Basically, it boils down to "does it matter that much to me?; what am I losing" and ask yourself as well "what is best for the other person"?

Because we are all such rich and varied individuals with such different values, getting together is easy but staying together is tough exacerbated when we do not accept the other person as they are and try to change them to the way we want them to be. 

I was a judgemental, intolerant person throughout my teens and into my early thirties.  I discovered years later that my black and white attitude was a defensive mechanism due to my dysfunctional upbringing.

What I am discovering is that when we let go of the belief of how we think life should be and allow others to express their uniqueness, you develop tolerance. A lot of lip-biting, teeth-clenching, hand-clenching, forcibly restraining your tongue and cutting off the recriminatory thoughts before they overwhelm you will be necessary.

As you get into the practice of allowing others to be, do or have whatever they want — I am not advocating allowing someone to self-harm and do nothing! — you begin to feel calmer, and gradually become more open to what is. Best of all, you eventually will be able to squelch your negative thoughts as they arise whenever you see them do crap.

Because your emotional negative reaction is decreasing, you are no longer sending off those waves of unspoken energy – pretending not to be angry – the person on the receiving end will be affected by your change in a positive way. And all because you decided to let them be! 

It is important to accept people for who they are.  You may not like or respect them for what they say and how they act but I have come to realise that everyone has a place and purpose and that is why they are here. Stay authentic to who you are and be nice to yourself when you lose it.

Compromising when faced with the prospect of disagreements with the people we care about allows us to ensure that differences of opinion become another piece of the rich tapestry of our relationships. 

While we need not adopt the values and beliefs of our loved ones, we can respect that their life paths will often take them in directions that are in opposition to our own. 

In fact, our differences can bring us closer together when we use them as stepping-off points for deep discussions in which we share the depths of our souls with one another. 

When we open up in this way, any stubbornness we might have felt melts away in the warmth and admiration we feel for our conversational partner. Adopting an attitude of tolerance will allow you to get along with loved ones even when you do not see eye-to-eye.  ~DailyOM 

Related articles

• I Love Someone Who Does Not Love Me (as Much) (psychologytoday.com)
• Use Compassion to Combat Difficult Coworkers [Career] (lifehacker.com)
• Kristin Neff: The Motivational Power of Self-Compassion (huffingtonpost.com)
• Mallika Chopra: 5 Tips to Help You Find Serenity (huffingtonpost.com)

Technorati Tags: tolerance, attitude of tolerance

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Revealing Your Feelings To Achieve Reconciliation Instead Assigning Blame

Image by catlovers via FlickrIt is so easy to blame others for our distress particularly when our relationships are rocky. But you know what, it is up to each of us individuals to take responsibility for our thoughts and actions. Keeping in mind always that it is your negative thoughts which create your negative emotions and your actions!

Talk to those with whom you have issues as it is your reaction – and I am not saying anything is wrong with that because I'm in the same boat too – that exacerbated the already contentious situation.

If the relationship matters to you keep on trying and remember always to say "I feel...". This clearly shows that you are talking about yourself and you are not assigning blame or pointing fingers to the other person regardless of their part in the scenario.

If you cannot get through to the person then you can write them a letter. Just pour your heart out and express your feelings and send it in the mail.

There are times however when nothing you do or say will make a difference because of the mindset of person or persons. When that is the case, let it go and start working on yourself and trust that all will be well. I have been living this for the past year with my birth mother, sister and brother in law so consider me an "expert" in this area.

When you change as you will because you must grow into who you are, your evolution on the inside will exude an energy which will positively affect those with whom you interact. What must fall by the wayside is inevitable and when family members are the so-called culprits it is time to let go of that "guilt" in particular and move on.

And take it from me a family is not a mother, father, children etc.  A family is a group of people who love, support and lift up each other - never putting them down.

One of the easiest ways to ease distress related to our relationships is to share our feelings with our loved ones. Though we may fear the intensity of our emotional response is out of proportion or that the people we care about will reject us for our vulnerability, expressing our feelings in an ambiguous manner will seldom help us solve the issues weighing on our hearts.

When we are willing to reveal our pain to family and friends, they can then address our concerns openly. The hurt we feel becomes a catalyst that inspires healing through honest and intense discussion. And our forthright manner further reassures our loved ones that our goal in revealing our feelings is to achieve reconciliation rather than to assign blame. You will feel more secure in your relationships today when you resolve to share your pain with the people you care about. —DailyOM

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FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Till Death Do Us Part - Really?

     Image by fabiogis50 Now here's a lovely little lesson from Abraham-Hicks. I remember they mentioned it before and it struck me as quite valid though some or lots of you probably won't agree. It's like that ghastly line in marriage vows to "love and obey".

Let me know what you think...

That "death do us part" thing is a protective mechanism. It says, "I don't trust me, and I don't trust you to be in a place where we are evoking the best from each other. And so, just to make sure, let's promise that even if we don't, we'll suffer it out together." Every law, sacred or secular, that we have ever seen in your environment has always come from a place of disconnection, from a place of protectiveness.
~Abraham

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FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Be Happy and Live Now!

Happy Flower by Cali2Okie (April)BBe happy may sound simplistic or naive to some but you know what, it is also an excellent exhortation – a fabulous way to be.

I think of it as satisfaction with what the good that you experience right now – utopia does not exist and is unrealistic - that's a cop out.

Emulate the children – live now and enjoy – that is what happiness is all about.

It is easy to be happy when we begin to look, each day, for what is different in our environment. It opens a new world of wonder when we realise that beauty and newness has been sitting right under our noses all this time.

These types of discoveries will make you feel great. They will liven you up. They did me and they distance you from your seemingly overwhelming problems. When you put emotional distance between yourself and your current challenges, you gain a better perspective on the situation.

And that is what being happy or appreciative does when you continue to see the "newness" in your current environment.

Here's what Abraham has to say about our relationships and the fact that we expect others to make us happy which is impossible. We all must take responsibility for our selves and our actions.

After all, living now is all we have. The past is gone except in our heads and we can fix that if we really wanted to and the future isn't here yet so even if we wait for it, it will still be now. So, be happy now!

The best thing you could do for anyone that you love, is be happy! And the very worst thing that you could do for anyone that you love, is be unhappy, and then ask them to to try to change it, when there is nothing that anybody else can do that will make you happy. If it is your dominant intent to hold yourself in vibrational harmony with who you really are, you could never offer any action that would cause anybody else to be unhappy.

~Abraham

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2 Simple, Effective Techniques to Reduce Stress-Producing Acid and Feel More Alive

Role-playing dice

Stress is a killer; we all know that and science can now prove it – never mind the therapists, Naturopaths, healers, etc. who have been saying this for decades.

It is a pet peeve of mine that people wait for "scientists" to tell them what is staring them in the face or more aptly, killing them or those close to them.

But moving right along...

The acid produced by continued stress eventually creates a variety of debilitating diseases (many unrecognised by the medical profession) which will kill us off if we do not take preventative measures now.

We also die each day to be "born" anew in every 24-hour sleep and wake cycle. We die to who we were, the hurt and pain, loss, recrimination and resentment, stifling limiting beliefs and seemingly impossible personal circumstance.

What is beautiful is that we have the opportunity to start afresh on a brand new day. Doesn't that stimulate you in some way? Give it some thought.

So many of us feel that our circumstances are so dire that we think dying might be a solution because living is so painful.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson

What you need to understand is that the pain comes from the feeling of loss, of not knowing what to do next or how to do it. That is a crippling feeling of emotional disarray opens the door to fear.

When you allow fear to enter, it is your way of saying "I have no confidence or faith in my abilities". You are also saying, "I feel alone and powerless" which is all well and good if you recognise your state of emotional disarray.

When you feel blindsided by life and deadened by circumstances, the easiest thing to do is to pick up where you left off the previous day and begin the same crapshoot all over again which of course will give you the same results.

Yes, it is insane, no doubt about that yet we keep repeating the cycle over and over again.

Breaking this loop is simple. Stop doing what you have been doing all your life and decide to act based on what you know instead of your typical knee-jerk, emotional re-action. You will get a different result.

You have two simple ways to do proceed and both are very effective.

Image via WikipediaMeditation puts on the light in an otherwise dark room. It enables us to see through illusions and relax into our true nature. Without meditation, it is like being in a desert without water. We look everywhere for satisfaction, but like a mirage it cannot be seen or found. ~Ed and Deb Shapiro 

1.    Meditate for 20 minutes each day (twice a day is better)

Instead of jumping out of bed when you wake each day unless it is to empty your bladder or your bowel (which is a very good thing by the way), stay in bed.

Use this time to centre yourself and establish a solid foundation for your day.

This brand new day gives you a new lease on life. Grasp that opportunity.

» Set your alarm to wake you 20 minutes before your normal time.

» Sit or lie comfortably on your bed and relax. Feel the vitality in your magnificent body from your head right down to your toes. A wonderful mantra to say in your mind as you appreciate your Self "May I be well, May I be happy, May I be filled with loving kindness. May all beings be well, May all beings be happy, May all beings be filled with loving kindness".

Continue until it is time to begin your normal routine.

2.    Breathe your way to better health and vitality

Did you know that when you breathe deeply into your stomach for 3 minutes, you reduce the stress-making acid in your body thereby improving your health? Dr Richard A. Di Censo of Beyond Medicine has lots more to say about this.

I have been practising this deep breathing for years long before I knew about these scientifically proven benefits and I can tell you that you feel lighter and mentally clearer and well-rested after such a session. It literally dissipates the stressed feelings.

» When you feel stressed or when you feel  the pressure building, take 3, 5, or 10 minutes to breathe consciously. Breathe in deeply through your nose lifting your chest and letting the air inflate your belly.

» Hold it for a beat or two then breathe out slowly and continuously - not in one whoosh - through your mouth until your belly feels as if it is touching your back.

A rhythm will gradually build as you continue. This may feel difficult at first because most of us breathe shallowly in our upper chest and rarely expand our lungs.

Image by Erik van Ravenstein  By the way, another by-product of deep breathing is that it alleviates constipation. Why? Because the in and out belly breathing contracts and relaxes your colon encouraging the passage of body waste.

Start today. It's all worth it!

To subject your emotional nature to critical analysis unleashes its transformative powers. When you feel, see and question this principal part of you, you begin to wonder if there is desire, doubt, hate, anger, lust, fear or anything else that holds you prisoner. Are you really any of this? ~Natasha Dern 

You gain clarity of thought and purpose and silence those noisy thoughts that clutter your mind with these two simple and effective techniques. Clear minds equal clear thoughts and well-thought out, unemotional decisions and focussed actions.

And as Ed and Deb Shapiro say in their wonderful article If nothing ever changed there would be no full moon. Powerful tips to practise and live by. Read it!

Increased awareness is the natural result of combined breathwork and meditation and you no longer focus on your limitations and that is a huge. Be stressless people. It is the only way to live!

Incorporate these two practices into your daily life reduces the acid produced by stress, and feel more alive. You might also want to read How to stop absorbing other people's negative emotions. Excellent tips there from Judith Orloff.

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FOOD FOR THOUGHT – Your Body is a Pure Reflection of Your Thoughts

Image by soa2002 via Flickr Have you ever considered that your body reflects what you think about yourself? We forget that not only are we what we eat, we are also what we think and self-hate is the most poisonous substance there is.


I should know I've been there and when I feel really low and look at what's not right in my life, I end up right back there. This is a sweet one from Abraham-Hicks today.

A withdrawal of attention from the unwanted condition is necessary in order to release it from your experience, but it is also necessary to cease the resistant thought that pinched off the Well-Being to begin with. Our guided meditation process helps accomplish both of those things, and it lays the basis of a new-and-improved outlook on life. . . .
You will find it easier to find increasingly better things to think about. It will be easier to see the positive aspects in situations and people. You will find compliments flowing from you, and you will feel appreciation for more things.

Your physical body is truly a reflection of the thoughts you think, but not only of the thoughts you think about your physical body. And so, understanding the Vibrational basis that supports your physical body is important to your maintaining of a healthy physical body. A regimen of physical actions is not enough. Your body is a pure reflection of the balance of the thoughts that you think. –Abraham

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FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Avoid Falling Under The Influence – Center Yourself

Vulnerable by Himalayan Trails We can avoid falling under the influence of individuals whose ideas and opinions we disagree with by taking a moment to collect our thoughts when we feel we are being pressured. 

It may seem that there are a number of nefarious forces directing the course our lives take. Yet only a few short minutes of focused contemplation in which we examine the roots of the vulnerability we feel can help us reconnect with our core values and remind us that we are and always will be in full control of our destinies. 

When we stop to think before we are swept up in the tide of outside beliefs and opinions, we temporarily separate ourselves from the suggestions capable of swaying us and thus our overall susceptibility is diminished. The impressions others make on you today will not be as intense when you center yourself in the midst of challenging interpersonal interactions. DailyOM

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THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Let A Whole Lot of Good Stuff In!

Cyclamen via Wikipedia

We would like to leave you with this very clear knowing that we hold: You are just a few laughs away from letting a whole lot of good stuff in.

You are just a few kisses away from letting a whole lot of good stuff in.

You are just a little bit of relief away from letting a whole lot of good stuff in. ~Abraham

I think Abraham is right on the money with this one, not that they aren't always but it suits my mood right now.

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How To Find Inner Calm and Vanquish Your Fears

It is possible to find inner calm and overcome your baseless fears. Yes, it is possible and we all need to do this work to discover our very best selves, and it starts with one, you and me.

We humans are too comfortable being afraid and that is terrifying. 

Fear is meant to save our lives in threatening situations hence the fight or flight instinct. The major problem is that the majority of us will never experience or live in circumstances that will give rise to such responses.

For instance, the majority of us women do not live in the Congo in West Africa where armies of marauding two-legged curs — some call them men —descend from their mountain hideouts to rape entire villages of females including pre-pubescent and female babies.

We therefore have no excuse for wallowing in fear, anxiety or self-pity!

Feeling nervous is acceptable when you're anxious about an expected outcome; we cannot be sure of everything one hundred percent of the time when we allow our insecurities to come to the fore.  However, you do have to be careful because a high level of anxiety means you are actually afraid, and you have got to nip that in the bud.

When fear is present it prevents you from moving forward.

Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven't half the strength you think they have. ~Norman Vincent Peale

It is possible to vanquish your fears: This is what I learned from Eckhart Tolle's  A New Earth and my Swiss psychotherapist:

— Check in with your feelings —

How many of you ask yourselves during to the day "what am I feeling right now?" 

I bet the answer will surprise you because most times you do not know and when that is the case, it is impossible to find a word to describe it. Naming a thing weakens it by showing it for what it is - an illusion!

Feeling stressed is a cover-all for your feelings and is therefore not an adequate description. It is an avoidance tactic!

Image by shioshviliMost of us are not accustomed to paying attention to how we feel; in other words we do not check-in. We are constantly in re-action mode which is a very weak position but don't worry, that is a first step.

Ambivalent feelings point to an issue you are avoiding by denying its existence.  Lying to yourself will not make your feelings go away.

To find inner calm and vanquish your unacknowledged fears, take time out for yourself every day to become still. Your mental noise is masking the quiet voice of your intuitive inner knowing.

During your quiet time, let feelings arise and observe them as they flow by. Be with them – don't deny, judge or criticize them or yourself. Feel what you feel and let it happen. You may feel the tension but let it pass.

Negative feelings are not going to just disappear, so let's be real here. They will however be considerably diminished over time and you will begin to feel more in control of your emotions and thus your life situations.

Stay connected with your calm centre by returning to your well to stillness every day and eventually, you will find yourself naturally acting from that place of knowing because you have reconnected to Source, to your Higher Self. 

Your sojourns to your calm centre will illustrate quite clearly that FEAR is just False Evidence Appearing Real — a bogey man — and you can kick its arse every single time.

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FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Be Careful The Environment You Choose

Waratah Tree flower by Tatters:)
Letting it all hang out — supposedly being our real selves — is a most difficult thing to do.

We all have expectations of others albeit most are probably unconscious. Based on another's appearance, dress and speech we make assumptions and when they do not pan out disappoinment sets in and judgement shows up.

The same shows up and we feel vindicated then we say "I knew it; what can you expect from those kind of people".

Everyone wanta to be liked and admired for what we bring to the proverbial table but do we even know what that is.

We start off young and idealistic or young, jaded and cynical depending on the size of our pain body — a term coined by Eckhart Tolle to describe the mass of emotional baggage we carry from painful childhood experiences — and will do anything to fit in.

As Stefan Shuem, a Dutch shaman, said in an interview on Law of Attraction (Blog Talk Radio) Radio "when you're young, you don't have your mind" and as a consequence, when children are abused in any way it is impossible to rationalise the adult's actions.

Be careful the environment you choose for it will shape you. Be careful the friends you choose for you will become like them. ~W. Clement Stone

We do all that we can to be liked, even loved, embraced and accepted as part of the prevailing group. Many will do absolutely anything to get in and stay in and that is usually to their detriment.

In my case, I dressed like the other women in my two-piece suits and blouses to be part of the popular group and thought I was being accepted. Unfortunately that is not the way it works.

Discord occurs when there is no meeting of minds or sharing of values and thus, no cohesiveness when the only thing that keeps the group together is breaking down those who are not like them.

The needs of the few conflict with that of the majority.

Those shunned either take the high road or the low road – depending on perspective – by deciding to remain with the masses because that is where they feel "safe", in other words their specialness is hidden but what happens to those left on their own.

Either they get kicked around like a football by life's events and decide to withdraw and rage or after getting knocked down countless times eventually decide to rise up, slowly and inexorably, to stand teetering on their legs, open and vulnerable to the world and feeling thoroughly defenseless not knowing what to do next.

Love and self-acceptance is the only way to win out against negative forces and the means to do that is within us. It's called silence. When we become still we can hear the quiet behind the every day sounds. I for one tend to resist this part because perversely, I prefer to roll around in the shite that is not working!

The superb folks at DailyOM say:

     Vulnerable by Himalayan Trails We can avoid falling under the influence of individuals whose ideas and opinions we disagree with by taking a moment to collect our thoughts when we feel we are being pressured. 

It may seem that there are a number of nefarious forces directing the course our lives take. Yet only a few short minutes of focused contemplation in which we examine the roots of the vulnerability we feel can help us reconnect with our core values and remind us that we are and always will be in full control of our destinies. 

When we stop to think before we are swept up in the tide of outside beliefs and opinions, we temporarily separate ourselves from the suggestions capable of swaying us and thus our overall susceptibility is diminished. The impressions others make on you today will not be as intense when you center yourself in the midst of challenging interpersonal interactions.

More words to nourish:

• Eckhart Tolle, on silence (visaisahero.wordpress.com)
• Eckhart Tolle: Personal and Transcendental Love (stevebeckow.com)
• How To Deal With Failure (sanderssays.typepad.com)
• Conversation with Ego (walkswithyogi.wordpress.com)

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Healing Emotional Wounds Takes Work and It Hurts!

Heal all (Prunella Vulgaris) by Wade Franklin
Healing emotional wounds takes work and boy oh boy, does it hurt!

I made the following comment on Judith Rich's Healing the wounds of your ancestors that I expand on here because of the 250 word limit is too restrictive in this context.

I'm back to complete my comment Judith. Had to rush off to all day Saturday tutor training.

I know nothing about love; discovered it's existence in other people's lives in my 30s but it's a two-edged sword that others use to gut you when they sense weakness.

Being forced to give up the little you have as a kid set me up to give up whatever I had before it was forcibly taken away.

After peeling away the masks, the awful part was discovering that I'm a naturally generous person with a big heart contrary to my demeanour. Yuck! I have the knack of assisting others fulfill their own needs – wish I had the same for myself.

My character type detests being told what to do even as kid and so, I accepted the daily beatings as normal. Now, when I think I've crossed a hurdle and I reset my bullshit metre to MAX, events occur which illustrate that my tolerance threshold has diminished and my resentment level increased.

Even though it will never be done, this type of work is not what I want to keep doing in these people's vicinity - the reality is unpleasant – so why the hell am I still here...

This love business sucks – this is what you get for dropping your masks and I don't recommend it! If I could revert 30+ years I would. I knew nothing then and I know even less now.

Geranium via WikipediaOur childhood upbringing screws us up so badly that it is surprising  most of us don't become mass murderers.

I guess that means that our psyche is more versatile than we believe and we can usually handle the crap that gets shovelled down our collective throats as defenseless children.

This begs the question – how do we interact with others as adults because the shit is still swimming around inside us.

Our baggage is still tightly wrapped with a nice bow, the chip on the shoulder is a boulder dragging us down, and the "fridge" is full of all the rotten memories we have been preserving which have no use-by-date.

Most of us were sold a bill of goods supposedly for our own good, no pun intended, and unfortunately we are still following the shitty childhood script as adults and therein lies the problem.

It is easy to judge and criticise others when we are separate from ourselves and others and do not know who we are but when we look inside or are forced to do so, do we not see that thing – that same thing we detest in others is a reflection of something similar or familiar within and it is an unpalatable idea.

I felt bitterly regretful and resentful that I began this journey of self-discovery — that was up to 30 April — but I woke up this morning feeling great.

Now, I do not normally regret anything, what's done is done but I just had enough of the pain, you see. That pain however was a result of my resentment at having found myself in this situation — or placed myself in it through my resistance in order to work it out? — which I kept insisting was not of my choosing.

Was that really true? Of course not; it is a lie! I chose it otherwise I would not be living it!

It is our resistance to the reality that we are living which creates the anguish we suffer. No more, no less.

We adults continue to experience the result of childhood trauma which keep us trapped in a never ending cycle of re-actionism until we accept that fact and change that habit. We are grown now; we have a choice now.

Some good memories flashed through my mind and reminded me that you and I must remember that it was not all pain and sorrow. There were some joyful, fun-filled moments. It is simply that our programming predisposed us to focus on the the pain instead of the pleasure.

Again, we can change that now.

Healing color by Lady-bug 

Because life is change - my comment to Judith's article was already "old" the following day when I posted it – I no longer felt the same truculent, resentful and down-in-the-mouthedness – I felt upbeat and positive.

It was not an Aha! moment or something. It is simply that I had a great training session the previous day for illiterate adults; extremely informative and tiring in a good way.

But I still wanted to follow through on those feelings because they were legitimate at the time of expressing them, and I felt that sharing them as written was important, perhaps for someone else.

Love is who we are – it is what we want to experience to the fullest. That means removing the emotional clutter of devastating experiences and recognising that suffering is not what we are about nor does it have to happen. We can transform it and we must.

We are joy made manifest on this earth and that is what we are meant to fulfill in our own magnificently individual ways. Judith says it beautifully in Revelation.

I believe our paths sort of wind their way to us then we just have to follow it until the next turning point. Healing emotional wounds takes time and it hurts. However, we have no choice but to live and experience the soul's journey which is an obligatory passage.

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THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Get Clear on The Root Cause on Feeling Run Down

Whenever you are feeling run down, take an honest look at how you have been thinking, feeling and acting. 

You will likely find a belief, behavior pattern or even a relationship that is out of alignment with who you really are. 

Perhaps you believe you have to be perfect at everything or you have been bending over backwards to get people to like you. 

Maybe you are dealing with mild depression or simply have too much on your plate right now. There may also be people or situations in your life which are draining your energy. 

Once you get clear on the root cause, you can weed it out and better direct your flow of energy in the future. —DailyOM

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