A Tsunami of Pain and Rage Reconnects Me to My Self

A fabulous thing happened to me on the road to my new life. I got angry, very very angry at the most unjust act I have ever witnessed being inflicted upon a mentally ill woman that I have come to love and admire.

A tsunami of pain and rage reconnected me to my Self.

I wasn't there when other abusive actions were inflicted on Janice but my anger was simmering from the accounts I head and man, when I let loose it was like oxygen feeding a brush fire.

Awareness is the greatest agent for change. Eckhart Tolle

I raged, I sang, I screamed, I shouted, I talked loud, all day long to express the pain I felt. People must have thought I was going mad. I told her abusers who were supposed to be helping her exactly what I thought about them - blunt and raw - and what they should do to themselves about it.

My rage felt murderous and I swore if I had a gun... yeah, it was that bad!

The next day, the senior supervisor of the hostel where it all occurred tried to threaten and intimidate me because you see, he allowed it to happen and his girlfriend was one of those involved.

As the responsible officer he turned a blind eye to what was taking place and hoped (I'm guessing) that all would work out for the best - over three damn weeks - without his having to take any action.

The attendants at the shelter showed no empathy or compassion and they were actually 'fed up' because she was 'forcing' them to do something. That's horrible and sad at the same time isn't it.

I continued my protest the second day then went looking for my friend - after she was evicted from the hostel, a small, defenceless woman in a crime-ridden part of town, at night - but she wasn't to be found.

She was picked up and taken to the mental hospital on the third day after ransacking a man's house in the neighbourhood.


Because I couldn't find her, I reported the abuse of the four staff members to their boss at the St Vincent Society's office.

When I heard myself speaking to the officer I realised that something had changed. In hindsight, it's the sheer clarity with which I spoke and the silence all around was startling. I was as if "everyone" was listening - as if for that short period all was at a standstill.


For two successive mornings after my ranting and wailing, I woke with headaches which I never get, yet I was so lucid in thought and felt so refreshed. I felt great, weird but true.

True life is lived when little changes occur. ~Leo Tolstoy

On probing my feelings, words unbidden came to mind "I am back" and that made me pause in shock. It was like... WOW! I had found my Self again after almost one year of low-level depression from ending up in a homeless shelter with the roaches, no job, no money, living with homeless psychiatric outpatients and so on.
 
The third day I felt so fab I wondered then wished the feeling would last forever but right after I had that thought, another followed saying "this is normal". That too made me pause then on reflection, I understood, just go with the flow.

That pumping adrenaline that had swept over me for almost an entire day seemed to have swept away the debris that was blocking me, preventing me from seeing, feeling, making decisions and taking action. Basically, I had stopped living which I didn't grasp at the time.

Imagine a gusting, roaring wind that can lift you off your feet and blow you away but instead of doing that, it enters you and changes to a powerful, sweeping spring breeze, refreshing and full of vigor making you think of budding trees, bushes and flowers, dew on early morning grass reflecting jewelled colours under the still cool sunshine, birds tweeting and chattering, all reminding you of the world waking up to a marvelous early spring morning with blindingly bright blue skies and white puffy clouds.

That's how it felt, my waking up! Yeah, wowee!

Life's challenges got me so down that I had lost myself, completely disconnected from who I was and I didn't know it. Those around me are strangers so there was no one to grasp me and say "Catherine what's wrong with you" and if I hadn't felt that tsunami of pain in particular and rage about my friend's predicament the reconnection could not have been made.

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anais Nin

Let this be a lesson to you folks. That nonsense about politically correct will kill you if you don't find a way to not just express your feelings but also act out as necessary and release those tensions.

Stress kills, you know that.

I rediscovered my self respect and love of self which I only afterward knew had been sorely missed. I had even stopped my daily meditation and energy work. I am so grateful for that cleaning up.

Mahatma Gandhi said be the change you want to see in the world and I intend to continue being just that. It's great to be me!