14 Hard-Won Growth Lessons of 2012

2012 was a melancholy year for me; depressing as well as enraging.

It began in March 2011 when I found myself on the streets - and as devastating as that felt - it was probably the best thing that happened to me ridding me of my toxic family members in the process.

When your sister's husband deliberately smears shit all over the toilet seat - this is the first time I have aired this in public - and I mean all over and leaves it for you to clean up, you know what time it is.

When your wealthy younger sister, and yes it bugs me that I am beholden to her because she paid for my return ticket to the country, resentfully screams I am not taking care of you as if that was asked or expected, you know what time it is.

And when she follows up with I know you're not accustomed cleaning... yet explicitly expects me to clean her 5 bedroom/5 bathroom house for herself, husband and mother, as repayment that says it all.

To compound it all, you are called to a "family meeting" and informed that you are the problem because you're not mopping, sweeping, cleaning and dusting. You see, they decided not to hire a new cleaning lady, so you definitely know what time it is.

All that and more left me feeling revolted, disgusted and resentful having to deal with these beasts in human form whom I believed were behind me, never to resurface. I had vowed never to return under that roof 30-odd years ago to co-habit with my abusers but that is what life had in store for me.

So, I ended up living on the streets for a bit. It was during these soul-baring moments that good samaritans showed up in my life and as I look back, I see and now live my 14 hard won growth lessons of 2012.

1-  Never look a gift horse in the  mouth. When the father of a school friend from 40-odd years ago offered me his lounge chair to sleep on in their living room in my first week of homelessness, while his house was under renovation, it felt like a palace.

2 - Support comes from the most unlikely sources. That same family persuaded the sister of a friend of a friend to offer me a job and even though it was very poorly paid, and she exploited me to the hilt, I was so damn grateful and remembered that first day when I asked this stranger for $10, she gave me $100!

3 - When the going is really tough, suck it up. You can plead - as I did for the first time in my adult life - complete strangers for a job and be shut down really hard. Devastating as that may be, it will not kill you. Try again elsewhere.

4 - Be grateful and focus on what matters. When sleeping on my brother's couch for 3 months, I endured his religious zealot of a wife's needling without complaint. When her pettiness turned to outright lies because I never responded and he called me on it, I didn't say much to defend myself because I would have had to reveal her lies and that wouldn't have been good for him or the children.

5 - Swallow your pride it will not choke you. A friend of my brother's wife offered me a bed for one week in her home. I was very grateful until I saw the condition of their home. Everything was unwashed, dusty and obviously uncared for and the ceiling was rotting from water damage. But it was a bed I didn't have before and they fed me every single day too.

The offer of shelter was genuine and I even asked if I could stay an extra week but was glad when she said "no". 

6 -  Being humble helps you to appreciate miracles. I have asked so many different people for help, sometimes so desperate I wonder they didn't take me for a crazy person. 

Most times I got a silent "no" and when I was successful it surprised me. I lost nothing by it and appreciated those miracles even more when they happened.

7 - You learn to adapt in the most unlikely situations. Homelessness is an excellent leveler. People are people everywhere and when you end up in a St Vincent de Paul-run shelter for homeless people, living dormitory style, you are exposed to everything and everyone. It teaches you about yourself, first and foremost.

The roaches, lack of hygiene of some, their civility or lack, their violence, ignorance, psychological problems and consequent acting out, the unaccustomed food served, the rules of conduct, the respect and lack thereof shown by staff, are just details when compared to your reaction to this twilight zone of a new world.

8 - You discover your inner fortitude and self-respect. When a government bureaucrat tried to intimidate and belittle me in order to force me to move to a prison type government-run facility to follow a useless 2-year formless programme not aligned with my needs, the fires of anger ignited inside.

Feeling depressed, it surprised me when I heard myself respond firmly with dignity, determination and anger. That's when I knew I hadn't lost myself after all. I was just profoundly different on the inside.

Fighting against circumstances wastes time and energy. Learn to build on what you have.

9 - When you're afraid to trust, you are pushed into situations that will reveal you to yourself. I ended up in my first relationship in the country and in 15 years with a man who is addicted to alcohol, who physically and verbally abused me over an 8-month period.

The first time he slapped me for speaking my mind after constantly berating and shouting at me in public, drunk and sober, it was like a nuclear bomb going off inside me.

It happened again the following week before I had even digested the first incident. He left my face swollen, lip busted, mouth swollen and a headache that lasted 2 weeks. Emotionally, I was a wreck.

Never having known an alcoholic before, and never having been hit as an adult, I experienced flashbacks and utter terror with this man, not counting his verbal threats, all played out in public. And the scary thing was, we weren't even lovers or living together.

I overcame the fear of the physical harm and verbal threats and faced down this 48-year old bully who lashes out when he can't express himself except through criticism, insult and physical abuse. I did not conform to what he wanted.

10- Speak with love in the face of anger. After I outgrew the useless rage and hate - in the interim I ate and ate to comfort myself and became very fat - I saw that reacting to anger with anger made the pot boil over.

Coming from a place of compassion and understanding turns off the judgement in your mind and  turns away the "knife". It enables you to really see and listen to the person in front of you.

You get here by going in "there" to your well of stillness - being quiet - which helps you understand your words and actions, and accept responsibility for it all.  

From there, you begin accepting the other person as they are and seeing their needs from their point of view. It is an ongoing process.

11- You don't have to love romantically to work things out.

The why of this 'unsuitable' relationship is it happened because it was meant to be. I instinctively knew when the shouting, threats, possessiveness and beatings started that it was a karmic meeting where all previously unresolved issues had to be cleared up before a satisfactory ending could take place. 

All is coming to fruition as it must. In the process I have overcome fear of everything, developed a bedrock of resolve, rediscovered an overwhelming love and appreciation for myself, uncovered a compassion for others that I often refused to acknowledge. It doesn't make me weak!

I recognised that the hatred and despair I felt which I thought was for this man were really directed against myself. It was all about me and that is when the change began.

12- Accepting charity is a gracious act of receiving. This was the hardest for me. I wanted to do it myself and eat what was nutritious even though my purse and bank account rarely had more than twenty dollars.

Accepting to wear clean but used clothing cast off by others gave me and still does sometimes, a very uncomfortable feeling. However, I have discovered that wearing the same garment until it forms holes that have to be darned is not a big deal.

Being invited to social events by charity groups which unfortunately are of a religious bent can be tolerated in small doses for the little pleasure packages and special meals that follow.

13- You never know the turning your journey will take. There is always more to learn and you never know how far you will have to go when living the soul journey so be prepared for the unexpected. The only way to do that is by taking one step at a time and seeing the positive in front of you.

It's never about who you meet on your journey. It's always about your reaction to circumstance and being truthful to yourself (and others if you want) by accepting responsibility for the part you played in the story.

14-  Money taken away does not change who you are. Passing through the fires of deprivation burnishes and fortifies you. You can withstand whatever life throws at you even when you may think you can't at times. It all builds you up one day at a time until you are this person that you never knew before.

All is falling into place unbeknownst to you and because miracles happen every day keep the faith that the good stuff you want is just around the corner!