Character Counts: Can You Forgive Without Condoning and Let Live in 2010?

I received this interesting article about forgiveness from Bob Proctor's Insight Quotes. Forgiving without condoning or forgetting by Michael Josephson from Character Counts. I thought it was a great way to start off my postings for 2010.

So, can you forgive without condoning and let live in 2010?  Forgiveness does not mean condoning the wrong that was done to you. You understand that, don't you?

It is about releasing the hurt and pain inflicted upon you which you are still carrying around; and it is dragging you into the ground. And guess what, you aren't doing anything to the other person unless you go out of your way to make their life hell. Are you happy living like that?

When you forgive, I mean truly forgive those who hurt you - believe it or not - the hurt diminishes. Because you're no longer picking at the bloody, pus-filled wound.


Character isn’t something you were born with and can’t change, like your fingerprints. It’s something you must take responsibility for forming. You build character by how you respond to what happens in your life, whether it’s winning every game, losing every game, getting rich or dealing with hard times. Jim Rohn

Time and Healing

It sounds trite but it is accurate to say that time does heal, if you let it. You don't forget because the hurt played a significant part in forming your character.

Yet, at the same time, the memory fades like an old sepia photograph until you can barely see the faces when you allow it. The trauma then feels as if it happened to someone else.

After forgiveness, you become a new person. You now have a life ahead of you; before that you were living on the flames of memory which you kept stoking. This is where character counts.

Forgiving means you decided to say "this is how much I love myself. I honour myself by releasing this burden".

The Act of Forgiving

The act of forgiving erases guilt, shame and all other noxious potions which were floating around in your psyche which did not belong to you.

You release the "other" as well; not from their innate, morale responsibility but from you. Yes, you were keeping them attached to you at the hip with your constant stirring.

Why would you keep an adulterer, a rapist, a pedophile and other such foul creatures in your presence? See what I mean... Believe me, I've been there.

As we say in the Caribbean - time longer than twine and they will get theirs -  your perpetrators will get their just desserts; you can count on it!

    Forgiving Without Condoning or Forgetting

I suspect all of us have been hurt in deep and lasting ways by the words or acts of another. It’s normal in such situations to feel hostility toward the person who hurt us.

If we allow the offense to linger, we may carry the hurt and resentment in the form of a grudge. Usually this causes more unhappiness for us than the person we’re mad at.

Some religions speak of forgiveness as a moral duty, others as a worthy virtue, and still others impose preconditions on the wrongdoer before he or she is entitled to be forgiven. Whatever your religious views, psychologists say the ability to forgive is closely correlated to happiness and mental health.

Some people refuse to even entertain the idea of forgiveness because they don’t think the person they resent deserves to be forgiven. Others don’t want to appear to condone or excuse the conduct and certainly don’t want to reconcile with the person.

The essence of forgiveness is a voluntary decision to abandon continuing resentment, to let go of anger, and to move on. It doesn’t require or imply condoning, excusing, or forgetting. Nor does it require that the forgiver re-establish a relationship with the wrongdoer.

According to Dr. Ben Dean, the capacity to forgive is related to the character strength of empathy. People who can empathize with an offender and see things from that person’s perspective are much better able to forgive. He also says that the older we get, the more forgiving we’re likely to become.

Hmmm. We usually get wiser, too. So maybe it’s wise to forgive.

Michael Josephson
http://www.charactercounts.org/

But the really amazing thing about character is that, if you’re sincerely committed to making yourself into the person you want to be, you’ll not only create those qualities, you’ll strengthen them and re-create them in abundance, even as you’re drawing on them every day of your life. That’s why building your character is vital to becoming all you can be. Jim Rohn



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