30 False Beliefs from My Fabulous Life Metamorphic Trip

Image by Thomas Hawk

Are you afraid of being kind, showing tenderness and caring? It does not make you weak; I can attest to that. 

For years growing up, I abhored showing any kind of emotion. I did not realise it was because my good nature was always abused.

Anger was okay. I needed the outlet anyway to deal with the dysfunctional environment in which I grew up.

That blockage stayed with me for decades. Obligation, responsibility and pay back have always been the watch words in the family house. It replaced love and caring.

Because of this dysfunction, I thought romantic movies were sappy and fake, which they were, but my judgement applied to real life as well. Love did not exist. Screwed up, I certainly was.  

Openly showing kindness spelt weakness of the worse sort. Any kind of giving was out of the question! 

Yet, I gave of myself unstintingly to everyone. It was natural but bizarrely I never considered that. If someone is in difficulty, it is normal for me to offer my assistance whether I like the person or not. That is what human beings do.

I have been told that I am kind, that I have a kind heart, but I find that hard to accept because it is still in me that being called kind is equated with being weak! Stupid, I know.

My point is that I did not know what to believe about myself. Actually, I did not know my Self at all. 

I understood decades later that those feelings were linked to my mother forcing me to give up whatever I owned (including my too small clothing) to my younger siblings whenever they demanded it. She said it was to "keep the peace".

It set up a pattern in later years where all they had to say was "I want that" — something of mine and I would automatically give it because I felt I had no choice in the matter.

This woman set me up for a life of deprivation with the message "you do not have the right to succeed". How can anyone do that to a child? She was obviously coming from a place of painful lack herself.

She has no generosity of spirit. Everything is a payback and as she grows older, gives less and less, hoards more and more, demands more and manipulates her children to get it.

She does not like anyone, not even herself.

She is a bottomless pit of need which is a shame because she has a pleasant, child-like quality about her which attracts people to her. I think that comes from her lack of emotional growth.

However, she is her own pity party; deliberately creating diseases and other ailments to get attention and starting her own emotional infernos to get a reaction (from yours truly). It is all she has now.

Nothing is ever her responsibility and in the four plus decades that I have known this woman, I have observed one significant change. She says thank you now. That is major!

She also helped me out financially in a significant way in 2010. I was shocked and grateful at the same time. I also understood later on that it was payback to me, on an energetic level. 

Image by Images by John 'K'For the first time in memory, my family helped me and for that I was prepared to give  selflessly in return.

All I asked in return was kindness, and understanding while I found my feet, on my return to the Caribbean.

Instead, they proceeded to rip my heart out.

They recognised you see that I had irrevocably changed in my twenty-four year absence. The new me had limits and that was not appreciated.

My mother was particularly incensed about that and decided to get her pound of flesh.

So, what false beliefs did this human embed in my psyche through this scarification process (emotionally and physically) that really pertained to her, and which I had absorbed and need to clear decades later?

1. I come first.
2. I am stupid.
3. You have a nobody.
4. Love does not exist.
5. I have no self-worth. 
6. I do not have enough. 
7. Getting money is hard.
8. Don't be stupid like me. 
9. Buy cheap and make do.
   
10. Only my feelings matter.
11. You must take care of me. 
12. You are no better than me.
13. Abundance is for high class people.
14. You must work hard for little reward.
15. You do not have the right to succeed.
    
16. I am not okay and neither will you be. 
17. It is normal to encounter difficulties in life.
18. I am not responsible for anything I do or say. 
19. You must do it all perfectly, no errors allowed.
20. Money is for scraping by; saving is for rich folk.
21. Denigration and moral self-immolation is normal.  
22. You do not have the right to have more than I did.
23. I knew nothing better and this is the best I can do.
24. You have to work hard for your money but it doesn't last.
25. Abundance is for other people, not me, and certainly not you. 
26. Do not admire what others have, you don't know how the got it. 
27. When I do anything for you, you must repay it in cash or in kind.
28. If you ever have more money than you need, you do not deserve it and must get rid of it.
29. It is my right to demand that you take care of me. That is why you received a minimum education. 
30. I am not responsible for anything I do or say and I will never apologise or acknowledge your feelings. 

It took me a long while to get here people and I guarantee you, I ain't going back there. I am naked now, scars showing and it's all good.

Although I knew a lot of this, this wonderful woman launched into a diatribe against me today during one of her vitriolic ego trips, and clarified everything I have written here.

I had to put it down for posterity immediately; the words just flowed. She is nothing but pain.

I used to think of her, her daughter and son-in-law as beasts; wild, ravaging animals throughout 2010 because they hurt me so bad. That, of course did me no good because I got it back in spades. That was the law of vibration at work people.

Now that is gone. Even though I still live in the same house, I rarely think of them even when I see them. They are just lost, confused and very, very small. 

It does not mean they don't tick me off at times; they do but I do not show it.

It does not mean that their deliberate wounding words and actions don't make my heart ache sometimes, they do; but I refuse to show that! 

Image by thenemrel No matter how choked up I get, I intend to be kind, and honest when I feel the need to express.

 

Meditation and EFT tapping help me a lot here. If you are interested, learn how to tap. 

And here's what I learned about my Self from all this which started off my new decade in 2011 just right:

I am love, confident, resourceful, 

generous, assertive and unstoppable. 

A beacon called to share my light and talents with the world, 

and to be real, generous and inspiring. 

(Thank you Chloe Taylor Brown!)

What a fabulous metamorphic trip I am on here. I am tripping out on love and life and it does not get any more fulfilling than this. I know it is going to get even better!

I am grateful to my mother in all her dysfunctional glory. Marian, I love you so much and thank you! I could not have made it here without you!

After all, life is about loving.

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