Being Authentic is Not Acceptable: Play the Mask Game or Else

Being real is tough

My intent when I drafted this post a while back was to write about Mike Robbins' three ways to speak your truth. He wrote Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken.

What came out instead was my latest experience where being authentic is not acceptable. The message was play the mask game, or else.

Being real is tough because most people refuse to accept it; they want and expect you to play the game like everyone else. As one of my few friends said to me after I came through the storm of my suicidal depression "you no longer have a mask". I am exactly what you see.

My "being authentic story"

I was verbally attacked two weeks ago in a book forum. It happened out of the blue when I gave a follow-up opinion on the particular book in question - disagreeing with the view of the day. The attack was shocking in its intensity.

Reading the woman's words put me in another space and perhaps because of that, I recognised that she had issues - she called me a miss-know-it-all.

I carefully reread my three-liner in the aftermath because I truly did not understand the abusive one-pager. My opinion was brief, succinct, impersonal and on-topic.

The pain-body

I recognised that she lashed out at me because my message triggered her pain body - a term coined by Eckhart Tolle in his latest book A New Earth. 

It is the mass of emotional garbage we develop from painful experiences in childhood, then gleefully drag around with us; adding to the stink over the years, just to make ourselves feel worse.

I say gleefully because if we really wanted to heal our trauma and live our lives fully and feel complete, we could. There are enough non-invasive techniques, coaches, therapists etc. out there to fulfill everyone's needs.

The power of the verb

Anyway, would you believe the twit demanded a "rematch" - those were her exact words - even before receiving my response. If I had been less aware in that particular moment, I could have torn her to shreds with few words.

And unlike the old me of a few years ago, I would have felt bad for her afterwards. I always see things as they are, not as I want them to be, and I understand people's motivations quite easily.

I know the power of the verb. Always have, even as a kid; whether they leave my lips or flow from my fingers. And it's bulls-eye every single time.

Because I am conscious of this gift - I thought it was a curse in my youth - I am very careful now when responding to anything that triggers strong, negative emotions in me.

I would let the issue sit for a while before responding and sometimes, I do not respond at all. That is such a relief.

I am still working on the "verbal" part. That will take more work because thoughts are things and woe betide me when they leave my lips.

The universe sends me the response within five to ten minutes of the words leaving my lips! Fascinating stuff...

End of the story

To end the story, I replied saying that I had nothing to prove, would not be engaging in any verbal fisticuffs about her opinion of me, and that she had the floor to rule as she wished.

You cannot fight with someone who doesn't resist you, or as it was so aptly said on Braveheart Women recently, Not one drop of my self-esteem depends on your opinion of me.

The woman sent me a half-arsed, nonsensical reply and subsequently changed her name in the Forum. It had finally dawned on her that I could have reported her - it did not occur to me - and she also wanted to distance "herself" from her stinker. And she apologised to all forum members which was nice.

The mask game

This incident was a reminder that:

1) as much as people act open, accepting and community-minded, they are really full of shit. What they want is for others to pretend as well, so that they feel comfortable behind their masks.

2) not everyone can deal with authenticity; for me there no choice. I played the mask game for more than forty years, and after I "broke" in 2004, it was over. There is no going back. 

3) as Mike Robbins says there is an important distinction... between our "opinions" and our "truth".  Many of us think our opinions are actually "facts"; they're not! I know the difference and that woman did not. She took my opinions as fact.

The blame game and consequences

We blame others for making us feel a certain way but that is pure crap. No one can make anyone feel a particular way. We must each take responsibility for our feelings and reactions and not blame it on others.

I sound very matter-of-fact about this incident, don't I. But it hurt, it really, really did. I even considered briefly leaving the forum, although I was having such fun, thoroughly enjoying being myself.

The virulent criticisms woke my own pain body of course - memories of abuse. I understood it and was able to let it go as the days passed.

That was my latest example of when being authentic is not acceptable, and what could happen sometimes. But is that going to stop me from being grateful to be me finally, to be my own divine self, hell no!


Tell me what incidents have triggered your reactions you wish you hadn't taken, how did you deal with it, and what did you learn from it. Drop me a comment to let me know.

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