There are two mistakes
one can make along the road to truth...not going all the way, and not starting. ~Buddha
one can make along the road to truth...not going all the way, and not starting. ~Buddha
The purpose of this post is to lay the last of my family-inspired demons to rest once and for all in this final chapter of my 2010 story of acceptance, compassion, joy and liberation.
This closing chapter of my 9-year odyssey actually began in Spring 2007. My suicidal depression in 2004 preceded it; What I Am About gives a synopsis of those events.
RESIGNATION
I resigned my job in 2007 after sixteen years with the World Health Organization. The first two months were strange — I did not know what to do with myself — no longer waking at six to get ready for work; no pug dog Elton to walk (he died in 2006 at the grand age of thirteen); and no more draining business trips.
It gradually dawned on me that I could do anything I pleased; there was no one to whom I needed to report. So I decided to travel and buy all the beautiful things that I used to refused to offer myself during my working years.
Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become. ~Anonymous
SQUANDERMANIA
I lived eighteen months of squandermania – thoroughly enjoying my freedom from ties and responsibilities but then boredom set in and I found myself spending for spending sake.
Because I had no plans at all and could not produce one for the life of me, I just continued using my gold mastercard and debit card for all they were worth!
There was a part of me – I recognise now – which said that I did not deserve such wealth and ease so I had better get rid of it fast. That was literally beaten into me by my mother in my tender years.
Crisis is opportunity riding a dangerous wind. ~Chinese proverb
I spent more money during that period than I had in the previous fifteen years literally emptying my six-figure cash account, and the now infamous Bernie Madoff took the rest.
That in turn resulted in my having to sell all of my "portable" items (designer bags, etc.) for a fraction of the cost in order to eat and pay rent.
THE CLOSING DOOR
Then the door started closing on my 18-year European adventure in 2009. I really, really love European culture: my best friends live there, fashion is tops — which is why they are always a hit in New York — and the quality of life is excellent; the mindset of the average Western European is another story.
I recognised that it had nothing more to offer me. After failing to kickstart a new life with a half-baked plan and failing miserably, I had no choice but to return to my Caribbean birthplace in January 2010.
A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master gardener of his soul, the director of his life. ~James Allen
UNIVERSAL LAWS
I had a few electronic books with me and David Cameron Gikandi's A Happy Pocket Full of Money
was one of them. He was the Creative Consultant on the film version of The Secret.I opened his book mid-November 2010 and the first few pages lit me up inside.
I finally understood for the very first time how to create wealth, abundance, and joy that I yearn for in my life, and also why I failed so spectacularly to keep what I had.
Most of you have heard about two universal laws, The Law of Attraction and Law of Vibration as taught by Abraham-Hicks — Home of the Law of Attraction — through their seminars, books, and cruises; they are the ones who started it all years ago.
Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.
~Einstein
~Einstein
The Law of Attraction became almost a household term in the USA after Rhonda Byrnes author of the book and producer of the movie, appeared on Oprah.
These two Laws basically say that you get what you attract (like attracts like) and you get what you vibrate (strongly feel).
That understanding was enough to get a lot of people started at consciously creating new lives for themselves and in Spring 2009, I got into it as well via Abraham–Hicks because what they wrote made sense.
A HAPPY POCKET FULL OF MONEY
I realise now, in November 2010, that I never truly understood these universal Laws at all which is why I messed up, and this is where David's book comes in.
His book is also the reason for beginning my story at the end (I hate movies like that) because it is what spurred me on to write it in the first place!
A Happy Pocket Full of Money
was the key that opened the door to my liberation. David's superbly clear explanation about quantum physics and the role subatomic particles play in our everyday lives did it for me — I kid you not! Money is a shadow of an internal value.
~David Cameron Gikandi
If you are curious about the ideas exposed in the book or movie The Secret but grasping the principles behind the Law of Attraction still escapes you, get A Happy Pocket Full of Money — no woo woo stuff there.
Not taking anything away from the other great teachers I admire, some of whom I list below, but David approaches the Law of Attraction from a scientific angle, speaking in plain English, with clear explanations and simple, effective examples.
A FOUNDATION OF GRREAT BOOKS
The great books I read formed a perfect foundation which enabled my discovery of subatomic particles:–
- Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth
(my aha! moment came in chapter 4 – read it for two weeks);
- Bob Proctor's You Were Born Rich
(favourite chapter, Let Go and Let God);
- Half of Napoleon Hill's Think and Grow Rich
(it is very rich and dense and must be sipped);
- A lot of Deepak Chopra's works which got me started nine years ago;
- James M. Lynch's The Hamlet Secret: A Self-Directed Shakespearean Workbook
;
- And the James Allen's sublime As A Man Thinketh
(words to live by); to name just a few.
EVERYTHING IS ENERGY
Briefly, subatomic particles are the base matter in quantum physics, and they occur in all shapes and sizes like a car, a house and a human being; they form the substance of the universe.
We are all created from subatomic particles. They are intelligent because they are linked to Source, God — they are energy — and we are nothing but energy — and they are ours to manipulate as we choose!
And they are ours to command (through our thoughts and feelings), WOW!!!
That is how the universal Laws work and why what we vibrate, we get slung back at us in spades (negativity). However, we can use the very same (subatomic) energy to create what we truly want (wealth consciousness).
HEART FULL OF THANKS
Next on my thank you list is the love of my life, heart of my heart, my soul mate, K. Christopher; my sister Grace, her husband Peter, my mother Marian, my brother John; my boss of two months who fired me soon after; the wonderful authors and teachers on HuffPost especially Dr Cara Barker, James M. Lynch, Dr Judith Rich, Anne Naylor, Ed and Deb Shapiro, and Russell Bishop.
Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul. ~Henry Ward Beecher
Their words and ideas helped me overcome the obstacles in my mind — this is an ongoing project — included are all the unnamed actors who played their part in my life, in 2010.
I could not have evolved without any of you!
Thank you all for your words, your examples, for being live mirrors; thank you for the lessons; thank you for ushering me to freedom; thank you for forcing me to take back my power!
It has been a very bumpy ride. I was so terrified of being me all the time that I hung onto my illusion for dear life until I was kicked off your ride, only to realise that I had one of my own.
Thank you for showing me in your own unique ways that I am the creator of my own universe.
"Do not make the mistake of thinking you are a powerless individual in a vast world," writes Tai Situ Rinpoche in our book Be The Change "Know that you are armed with three great powers. You have the power of the body — the source of all action; the power of speech — the source of all expression; and the power of the mind — the source of all thought." ~Ed and Deb Shapiro
FORCED TO TAKE 100 PERCENT RESPONSIBILITY
In all of my fifty-one years I never cried so many tears as I did in 2010 after I broke down, swallowed my pride, and asked my mother and sister for help in December 2009.
I was born into a family where it is expected that I give but must not expect a return in kind; that is not done because it will never treated with respect and attention. The experience was disappointing which is why I stopped asking.
Breaking that decades long taboo made me very anxious. But I was tired of sponging off my two friends and I was fedup of lying about rent arrears because I kept putting off making a decision about what to do about my precarious until it all caught up with me.
That is when I made the fateful (fatal) call to Trinidad.
God has entrusted me with myself. ~Epictetus
I was faced with two choices, the unpalatable — I would not have made a good prostitute — or the distasteful — return to the family house in Trinidad.
The 3-bedroom house I had given to my sister was not an option so I chose the distasteful and herein lies the tale.
LIVING IN THE "HOUSE OF CATS"
After the first three months almost prostrate from the 34 degrees Caribbean heat, I received the first verbal blow from my sister which knocked me on my fat arse, and I simply could not find my bearings for a long time afterward.
It was a foretaste of things to come.
Instead of creating expectations of what should or should not be happening, cooperate with the form that this moment takes. Bring a 'yes' to the isness, because it's pointless to argue if it already is. A greater intelligence is available to you when you no longer reject, deny, or 'don't want' what is. ~Eckhart Tolle
I had already discovered that abrasiveness and mutual disrespect were the norm in the group and with these peculiar dynamics playing out in the house, I decided to keep my distance after the first episode; observing all the niceties but engaging only when someone spoke to me.
I simply did not know what else to do. I felt like a stranger and they were familiar strangers.
I thought my barrier would shield me from further attack but of course with my emotions roiling, it simply invited more of the same.
PAYBACK TIME (After All We Did For You)
My sister — the self-styled ruler of the house — followed that up with a second attack one month later, this time with my visiting brother and mother as her chorus.
When fear is in control, we become resistant to change and spontaneity; we get angry, defensive, hidden behind self-constructed walls of protection, which reinforces separateness, isolation and enmity. ~Ed and Deb Shapiro
Grace informed me — at fifty-one years of age and after being absent from the house for thirty years, the country for twenty-four of those years — that I must conform to their way of life; I was making her uncomfortable in her own home (which I had recognised); everything was working fine before my arrival; I was eating too much of her food; and to crown it all — this person who had spoken to me once in seven years prior to December 2009 — I should be cleaning the house (also doing her laundry, etc. as her mother did was understood).
I was even instructed on how to clean a house!
Get mad, then get over it. ~Colin Powell
She ended her diatribe by self-righteously telling me that I did not have her financial resources and that not "helping out" around the house "gets people thrown out". Attack is always the best form of defense, isn't it.
My mother informed me that since I did not say anything about my life, no one was going to ask.
My feelings of fear, desperation and loss were overwhelming.
FAMILY DYNAMICS
A little anecdote to situate you in this family frame: on my last visit to Trinidad in 2003 I was mugged in the city, in broad daylight!
I returned to the house, shell-shocked, and my visiting nephew got the story out of me. His concern was so touching — a rare commodity — admonishing me not to go anywhere without him even though he wasn't brave (so cute).
He told the others at the back of the house and not one of them by word or gesture showed any concern for my welfare.
I grew up living with this utter disregard for my physical and emotional well-being.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Even though I did not visibly react, I know my inner turmoil directly contributed to this second attack. This occurred in April 2010.
After that I resented even more being beholden to them especially since money has become my sister's holy grail. She had already flatly told me that I "had better get a job" because she was not "taking care of me".
Coupled with the threat of being thrown out my fear and desperation were at their peak.
I contacted the only person I knew in Trinidad – a recent acquaintance – to ask if she could recommend someone close and dependable with whom I could stay until I found a job. My criteria was sleeping space on their floor. That did not pan out.
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ~Malachy McCourt
COMBUSTIVE ENERGY
Finding myself in such an untenable position brought up all the other injustices I had been subjected to over the years and the flame of resentment grew into a raging inferno.
The physical and psychological abuse my mother had inflicted on me set the stage for them all but one element in the game had changed —me— I was not taking this shit any more.
My quiet anger felt explosive.
This was combustive stuff so I am very lucky indeed that someone better than me — my Higher Self — was present to make me keep my mouth shut.
Otherwise I would either be in prison for aggravated assault or prostituting myself on the filthy streets of this town after being kicked out for telling them more than a few home truths.
I am exceedingly grateful.
As you deliberately look for positive aspects in others who surround you, you will train your Vibrational propensity into increasing improved Vibrations. So it does not matter how many negative thoughts you have thought before, or how long you have been negatively focused. You can deliberately focus—right now—on an improved thought. ~Abraham-Hicks
Can you imagine, after single-mindedly working my butt off with the express goal of leaving these people and this hated house behind at twenty-one, I was back with nowhere else to go at fifty-one!
Unless you have been there you cannot know how I felt!
BATTLING ON TWO FRONTS
I managed, somehow, to forgive my mother and sister for their daily pettiness and deliberate mean-spiritedness but it seemed impossible to do so with the lout (my brother-in-law).
I expected him to be fair and courteous to me but I got the contrary instead. Our particular battle began when he began criticising me directly for not cleaning his house.
I was practising the Law of Vibration to the hilt people; I hated them all for making me feel so small and the universe is nothing if not democratic. It sent me more of exactly what I hated.
Noticing a single shortcoming in ourselves is far more useful than seeing a thousand in someone else. When it is our own: we can correct it.
~The Dalai Lama
CLEANING UP MY ACT
I knew I had to clean up my emotional act and stop reacting to the shit they were dishing out, and I did just that.
I began by being grateful for the roof over my head, my clean clothing and for the other amenities I know others in my particular position did not enjoy.
That did not make the situation any more palatable but it was true all the same.
Through sheer perseverance I wished them all well every single day no matter what they did or said to me. I cried in the shower, and cleaned up after those bitches with tears streaming down my face, feeling my heart trampled upon.
Gradually, the Majestic cleansing and healing with Ho'oponopono and my meditation mantra May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering, May you be peace, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), eroded the fear, resentment, and desperation I felt.
Then I was offered a job in August 2010.
An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. ~Mahatma Gandhi
SOMETHING STUNK
Writing helps me to clarify my feelings, thoughts and emotions, uncover more of my Self, and unearth the cause of a particular problem.
From my observation something stunk in the house. There was just too much filth, lying, pretence, manipulation, mean-spiritedness, aggressiveness and abrasiveness.
From my observation something stunk in the house. There was just too much filth, lying, pretence, manipulation, mean-spiritedness, aggressiveness and abrasiveness.
My discoveries ended up as articles highlighting the dysfunctional issues in this trio's household. The root cause of this dysfunction is another story (for another time).
So, after I worked through the significance of the clashes with my relatives, I wrote:–
Then, accepting my part in the drama:–
Recognising that their destruction of each other was "normal":–
And finally, acknowledging I had to be authentic all the time because faking it did not make them like or respect me any better:-
Experience is not what happens to you — it is what you do with what happens to you.
~Aldous Huxley
MY PATH TO LIBERATION
What could have been the final straw for me — being fired mid-November 2010 — became my path to liberation.
Even though 31 December 2010 is forty-one days away — at the time of writing the first draft; it took me 3 weeks to complete and post —
When I was fired, it felt right as I knew that something better was coming my way. The next day however, I started wondering how the hell I was going to get out of these people's house and get a place of my own.
For the second time that month I felt I had come full circle (but that nothing had changed since January 2010) but as a very wise lady - a psychologist - told me earlier in the year "You do not step into the same river twice".
One week after being fired, I began reading David Cameron Gikandi's A Happy Pocket Full of Money; he says "money is just a shadow of an internal value" because it is not about the money as Bob Proctor also said in You Were Born Rich.
I got it — I am in control! That understanding solidified into certainty two days later when I received another "d¡s" from my sister and mother. This time though, it had no effect. I had turned a corner and that felt so damn gooood!
The more you lose yourself in something bigger than yourself, the more energy you will have. ~Norman Vincent Peale
And that my dear folks is how this post was born and so, I wanted to share my revelations which took over and then, I had to tell it all (who knew...):))
A CHANCE MEETING
I think my detachment was linked to the previous night activities when I released the love of my life, my soul mate, from my life because I was anguishing too much over our situation.
I could not fathom how a chance meeting could derail me like that. Imagine, a man who pleased me physically and intellectually and I am sure sexually we would have heated up the place; plus I met him on one of his less than better days.
Considering that most men are not worth my time, I was hooked that day in May 2010 but only knew it two weeks later when I decided to reflect on our first encounter. Once I opened that door though it was impossible to close it.
He who has not looked on sorrow will never see joy. ~Khalil Gibran
IT HURTS TO LET GO
He was married and worrying about the effect of the breakup on his two girls and his well-established life, and he ended up drinking alone in the evenings. We never consummated the relationship and it was not for lack of trying on his part; I simply refused to be second best.
The second time we met, I started doubting my senses and my Self. How could he be married if he was the right man for me? That could not possibly be right I argued! I questioned and agonised over every encounter, word and gesture and that shit went on for a few months.
I railed at fate for placing me in such an untenable position.
Things like that just do not happen, no way! The stress of logic and emotions was too much and I was hurting us both so I had to end it. I wanted him to be free to do whatever he thought best for himself and his girls.
It hurts to let go, you know. I cried like a baby that night and fell asleep crying. However, when I awoke the next morning, the feeling of peace and lightness confirmed that what I did was right.
MY TRUTH
Full circle — that feeling again — this third time round I understood. Speak your truth girl and set yourself free and I am doing just that; the perfect way to end this 9-year odyssey.
The cruelest lies are often told in silence.
~Adlai Stevenson
~Adlai Stevenson
After having travelled and experienced the world, I wanted to return in triumph after twenty-four years absence — even if I had only a few hundred Francs to my name — with beautiful, expensive things that were a natural part of my lifestyle, and bearing great gifts (as usual).
That would have said "See, you all never appreciated me except as a drudge, a jackass to carry your load, and cash cow, but others did. See what I accomplished". Unfortunately, that was not to be.
THE TRUTH ABOUT FEAR
Fear of everything was my constant companion during the three weeks leading up to my departure from Europe. I packed and repacked my bags every other day to ensure that the weight was evenly distributed.
It was the first time in my life I had to pay attention to such details because I normally travelled in Business Class.
All that fuss and bother because I was terrified of not having enough money to pay for excess weight besides what I had already budgeted.
The truth is more important than the facts.
~Frank Lloyd Wright
~Frank Lloyd Wright
This was aggravated by the fact that none of my 200,000 miles were valid on American Airlines, my sister's preferred carrier, and she was paying for the ticket.
And guess what happened... I had to abandon all my luggage except one piece at the Geneva airport before getting on the flight to Zurich because I could not pay the internal baggage fees.
Exactly what I was afraid of happened — a perfect example of the Law of Attraction people!
COMING FULL CIRCLE — TO MY SELF
I began 2010 with no job, one piece of luggage and destitute. I was afraid, lost, apprehensive and unsure about my job prospects (despite information received to the contrary).
I am ending 2010 with no job, a few hundred dollars in my pocket, a six kilo (14 pounds) weight gain from emotional and peri-menopausal eating, and a wonderful, solid, humorous detachment (most of the time) all because I cleaned out the pus from the festering wound.
I have found my Self, and I am love.
The unexamined life is not worth living.
~Socrates
I have gained a new awareness — another veil has been lifted from the illusion called my life!
I am certain the acceptance, compassion, joy and liberation I feel will continue. I have learned so much (left unwritten) but that is enough, don't you think ;)
54 lessons I learned in 2010 were the fruit of this 3-week labour — the culmination of my 9-year odyssey.
These lines close this final chapter — now it is time to move on — I will never pass this way again!
Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now in this instant of time. From this moment onwards you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed. ~Eileen Caddy
1 comment:
Thank you for share yous story. Very touching.
I'm looking to close a chapter in my life.
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