Life Is For Living: Food for Thought: Dishonesty, Insecurity and Lesson Learned

Food for thought today is about dishonesty, insecurity and lessons learned.

When you lie, cheat, steal or take advantage of people in any way, for any reason, you are dishonest. That's obvious.

When you pretend, boast about what you have, it is tacky and irritating. In contrast, when you boast about what you don't have and pretend about everything else, you are lying.

The thing is though. many of us do this everyday in a myriad of ways.
That's being small, people; but what happens though when you find yourself doing the same shite, like me? I can't very well dismiss myself, can I!

Self-Delusion

For three weeks I was dishonest in exactly the same way, boasting and dropping names and such to "impress" because... I was feeling very insecure.

I so dislike insecure people, don't you. They piss us off because they reflect a part of you (and me) which we recognise intimately and it makes us uncomfortable, hence our negative reaction.

I grew up in the world of self-delusion and lived there for decades as an adult, and for those few short weeks it felt terrible to be back there disliking my self all over again.

We all want to believe that we are better than "them" but we are not. Reality only comes home to roost when we work our thing out. It is time to decide with Judith Rich Are you progressing or staying stuck?

Insecure people

Insecure people are unhappy people, uncomfortable in their skin, angry at the world in general because they are dissatisfied with the way their life is going, or not.

We spread our discontent around – no one must be happy when we are not – instead of buckling down and taking charge of the situation which is causing distress; thereby controlling our emotions at the same time. Not easy but what is.

The truth is that we are really angry with ourselves because we believe we are not receiving our "just due" in our dysfunctional life. We allow the situation to control us instead of taking charge.

The lies

When I found myself in this angry place I was unfocussed at work. I kept trying to justify my defensive attitude by telling myself that I did not need care about results or the hefty incentive bonus, I just wanted it.

I was lying of course and I was trying to make myself feel better. Note to self: lies to self do not work!

I have done it often enough to know.

Not only that, I like my job because communicating turns me on and tunes me in to people, and I like making people feel good in whatever way I can.

The root of the problem

My biggest failing is that I give up too easily. I thought it had disappeared; another lie to self. In reality, my pain body was just waiting for the right button to be pushed to raise its ugly head.

Bottom line: if you do not assiduously work on yourself nothing improves.
I failed my daily target three days in a row and that depressed me because I was taught that I must never fail so by the time Friday came around, I was convinced that I was a complete failure.

When a thought like that surfaces it is difficult to root it out.

The real issue

This debilitating habit developed during my childhood years where if I didn't perform on demand, doing what in hindsight was impossible for an adult much less a child, I was brutally beaten and severely criticised.

Interestingly enough, I had to deal with the perpetrator of those crimes in the week preceding my first non-performing week. And this time I had to put the vicious, mean-spirited actions to bed once and for all but it hurt me more than it did her.

That is where it all began and my three weeks of emotional disarray were the fallout. Tapping your inner strength in troubling times is essential to moving ahead and leaving the past behind.

Contamination

I am a very gentle creature with an extremely tough exterior and I will only allow certain people in. Be real with me and you will have my undivided attention.

Abrasive and gratuitous violence in any form is unacceptable.

So it is abnormal for me to act harshly with anyone (passed that stage in my younger days) and to have to "verbally" hold your birth mother at bay like a wild animal after a 24-year absence is difficult.

But I refused to allow her viciousness, pettiness and just plain meanness to spread. Despite my best intentions however, it contaminated me and I allowed it affect my job performance.

Lesson for the day

And therein lies the lesson for the day people from a monk I believe – when you are angry it is never for the reason you think.

It is through the process of writing this post that I was able to identify the real problem and work through the unreasonably angry, unfocussed and insecure feelings that I lived through.

I also avoided daily meditation. Eckhart Tolle's Living in presence with your pain body describes my process so well; the bad old times are so seductive because it is all the ego knows and loves until we exorcise the beast by embracing love for one's self.

The truth – I felt so hurt and was devastated by the attacks that I used anger to cover it all up and so, I could not find my bearings. Now, I am licking my wounds.

The decision

I deliberately held off verbalising the decision I made a few months ago and that hesitation is what left me open and vulnerable to attack.

I understand now that this was one of the reasons for my forced return here - unbeknowst to me of course - to see and experience these family members as an adult with the advantage of 24 years distance and growth; to understand, and accept them as they are, and to cut the ties that no longer bind.

I said the fateful words very quietly in another context without conscious thought - When I leave here I am not coming back - the silence as they fell was tangible. What a release that was!

"Everyone" heard the portent in those flat words - they went straight to the ether and so it shall be.

The release and the understanding

The incredible disrespect I have been subjected to from a child and throughout my adult years and the incredible disdain for my emotional and physical well-being from then till now is scarily impressive.

If I had an enemy, I would not wish that on him or her. It is devastatingly belittling.

I truly do not know how I survived before in this household so devoid of loving care because nothing has changed! But I understand why I "grew up" so fast as well.

Though it hurts to be treated this way, I still feel compassion a lot of the time for this mean-spiritied, unhappy 72-year old woman who has never accepted responsibility for anything in her life.

With hand on my heart, I repeat the Majestic cleansing and healing with Ho'oponopono:

I'm sorry

Please forgive me

Thank you

I love you

Lessons learned

I hope this lesson I learned which is a major turning point for me helps someone else on their journey of becoming. That is my reason for sharing it:
And remember:

WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY,
IT IS NEVER FOR THE REASON YOU THINK!

I am very grateful to my Higher Self for helping me expose this wound and expunge the pus that was causing me so much pain. I am very grateful indeed to make it here.

It is wonderful to be alive people, thrive thrive thrive!