96 Life Lessons Learned in 2009 from My Private Hell of Nothingness

Continuing the theme from autumn 2008, I had an incredibly shitty start in 2009 and it just kept getting worse.

It broke me down completely and as my crisis deepened, it revealed a personality I didn't know at all.

The Persona

This person was dishonest, petty, angry, judgemental, vulgar, critical, complaining, mean-spirited, unwilling, disallowing, afraid, self-destructive, self-pitying, and myopic. She was terrified of change.

She was carrying so much emotional baggage that the weight was sinking her further into her own private hell of nothingness. She was hateful, full of fear and felt completely and utterly friendless.

The pain, the unending, burning tears, the sorrows, the fears and the pitiful "why me's" intensified to excruciating levels because she resisted everything that was happening to her, with all her might.

Her stomach was constantly in knots, and she couldn't think, couldn't see, couldn't be. She pushed away friends who wanted to help. She was me, then.

A Look Back

As I look back, I realised that I was fighting for and against the destructive schema forced upon me at a very early age. The limiting beliefs I adopted through abuse had to go but I didn't know how, and didn't understand why. It was so very hard.

My only solace was the "distraction" of writing articles for EzineArticles and others, and creating and maintaining my beautiful blog.

Life Lessons Learned in 2009

Now we're here at the end of the year and it suddenly hit me that I have learned a few things:

1 --- Don't hide from reality.

2 --- Accept 100 percent responsibility without excuses.

3 --- Accept what is.

4 --- Lack of self-worth attracts people of the same ilk.

5 --- Keep your word.

6 --- Don't hide yourself.

7 --- Speak your truth.

8 --- Be authentic even in the most difficult situations.

9 --- Don't accept excuses.

10 -- Don't justify your actions. Explain and be done with it.

11 -- Don't let another's emotions sidetrack you from the issue at hand.

12 -- When I feel small or belittled, it's my ego. Let it go and grow.

13 -- Stand up for your rights.

14 -- Never back down.

15 -- Never argue with someone who is angry.

16 -- Meditation is anything that makes me feel connected with the whole.

17 -- Put myself first.

18 -- Don't buy into another's story.

19 -- Allow others to live their "story".

20 -- Every challenge can be overcome. Problems are harder.

21 -- Having faith that you will get what you want is essential in getting it.

22 -- Fooling the subconscious is easy.

23 -- I am safe and protected.

24 -- Faith has nothing to do with religion. Ask, believe, receive. (Thank you Jack Canfield for your Success Principles!)

25 -- Whatever happened yesterday is over.

26 -- Active listening allows me to speak my truth and be non-judgemental.

27 -- Everyone I meet teaches me something.

28 -- Criticism equals fear.

29 -- Reacting from a place of fear brings only negativity.

30 -- Changing the way I react to a stressful event changes the outcome. (Thank you again Jack Canfield for The Success Principles™: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be.)

31 -- I have more resources than I realised.

32 -- I am rich beyond belief.

33 -- It is natural to want something and get it.

34 -- My sensing of people must not be denied.

35 -- Trust my feelings; they are my guide.

36 -- My opinion is only relevant to me.

37 -- Not one drop of my self-esteem depends on your opinion of me. (Thank you, Ellie Drake.)

38 -- I am a powerful creator.

39 -- Eating is a pleasure. I love food.

40 -- Beware of my thoughts. They bring me what I think about.

41 -- Pay attention when I feel negative emotions; it's a denial of what is.

42 -- Most men are still not worth my time.

43 -- I am magnificent beyond measure. (Thank you, Marianne Williamson for Our Deepest Fear excerpted from A Return to Love.)

44 -- Accept my family as they are; they cannot go any further.

45 -- It is easy to let go of old hurts by letting go of the past.

46 -- Weight problems have nothing to do with food and everything to do with what we think. Change is a process. (Thank you Martha Beck for The Four-Day Win: End Your Diet War and Achieve Thinner Peace.)

47 -- I have always been different and so is my thinking.

48 -- I have always been accepted by my family.

49 -- Following my heart's desires does not make me weak.

50 -- Money is an energy and it must flow. Hold onto it and it will disappear.

51 -- What you fear, you create.

52 -- I am beautiful.

53 -- My body is my temple.

54 -- I am perfect as I am.

55 -- People see only what they want to see.

56 -- People are comforted and feel safe in their ignorance.

57 -- You cannot help someone who prefers to talk shit and not act.

58 -- People do change.

59 -- It makes people uncomfortable when you stick to the issue at hand.

60 -- When you are attacked, don't try to defend. Become a Peaceful Warrior and flow. (A shout out to Dan Millman!)

61 -- It matters not what others choose or what others think about what I choose. What's important is I am pleased with me, and as I see myself, I certainly am. (Thank you Jerry, Esther and Abraham for these statements from The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent.)

62 -- Your opinion of me is your problem.

63 -- I have the best friends in the world.

64 -- Not everyone who approaches me wants a piece of me.

65 -- My country of birth has provided me with the best values in the world. Particularly self-respect, pride as a woman, respect is my right, a strong woman is admirable, bow to no one, a woman of colour is the most magnificent of all creatures.

66 -- Racism is other people's problems.

67 -- Being honest about my feelings is natural.

68 -- People are limited and myopic in vision and will attack to defend it.

69 -- It's okay to be me.

70 -- When you seek, you will always find.

71 -- The teacher always comes when the student is ready. (Thank you Bob Proctor and Michele Blood for the lesson Money is not the focus; be happy with who you are and follow your dream. There are no limits from Become a Magnet to Money Through the Sea of Unlimited Consciousness.

72 -- I have much to offer and I know more than I think.

73 -- Everyday there is more to learn.

74 -- I love life.

75 -- Being grateful everyday is natural.

76 -- I am generous now that I am not forced to give.

77 -- Being forced to do anything in childhood creates resistance in adulthood.

78 -- Change is natural.

79 -- Change is painful when you resist.

80 -- Tears are healing.

81 -- When you give love, love grows and expands.

82 -- Loving without expectations is natural and wonderfully liberating.

83 -- My heart is wider and deeper than the oceans.

84 -- Refusing to show one's feelings creates blockages.

85 -- Being naked and vulnerable is only scary at first.

86 -- When you resist change, it is forced upon you.

87 -- It is natural to leave others behind as you grow and evolve.

88 -- It is natural to want only the best.

89 -- It is normal to have big dreams.

90 -- Working hard is bullshit.

91 -- It is easy to forgive others when you forgive yourself.

92 -- Do the hard task you are pushed to do, the results are surprisingly rewarding.

93 -- Ideas come lightening fast in a soft voice. Pay attention and write them down.

94 -- When ideas occur to you, act on them immediately.

95 -- It is not necessary to spill your guts in order to change to a better you.

96 -- It is natural to say "I love you".

Spiritual Growth

I understand now that the fake persona had to go so that I could be reconstructed from the inside out. I understand now that I was safe no matter what happened; that the radical change was essential for my spiritual growth and expansion.

The hole of nothingness into which I had sunk has evolved into something that is difficult to describe. I don't know what it is. So it's one day at a time.

What kind of lessons have your learned in 2009 which have really changed your outlook on life?

Technorati Tags: my-private-hell-of-nothingness-in-2009